I have heard adults talk­ing to each other and to kids many times about the dif­fer­ence between tat­tling and telling.  These same adults often say, “Kids need to learn to work it out on their own.”  For those who don’t know, the dif­fer­ence between tat­tling and telling is that telling hap­pens when some­one is in dan­ger or hurt.  Tat­tling is the other stuff.  I used to say this to kids when I was teach­ing, too.

Now that I have my own chil­dren, I’m ques­tion­ing the wis­dom in this phi­los­o­phy.  First, are we really ask­ing kids to know and judge in advance some­thing that might be harm­ful or dan­ger­ous?  My kids are 2 and 4, and fairly reg­u­larly my 4 year old does some­thing which I would con­sider to be unsafe.  I don’t think he’s pur­posely out there look­ing for things to do that might hurt him, his brother or his friend, but he is still find­ing them.  The other (main) prob­lem I have with this phi­los­o­phy is the idea that kids will learn to work things out on their own.

It has been my expe­ri­ence that unless kids are taught these behav­iors and words,  and they are mod­eled and used repeat­edly, the big­ger, more aggres­sive, or older child will often get his or her way.  This doesn’t often seem to hap­pen with a calm exchange of words.  More often than not, it is done in a way which I would con­sider to be unkind or unde­sir­able (as far as social norms go).

So, as much as it is frus­trat­ing and at times annoy­ing to stop what I’m doing each time my kids have an instance which leaves one or both upset, I think it is very much worth my time to go to them, model the words they can use (or help them come up with their own words), and help them work towards a res­o­lu­tion, I think it is worth it.  We don’t expect adults to have the skills to work things out on their own when a sit­u­a­tion becomes very intense or heated.  I know many adults who have sought coun­sel­ing either indi­vid­u­ally or as a couple/group for sit­u­a­tions which were not eas­ily resolved.  Why is it we expect chil­dren to be able to iden­tify these sit­u­a­tions and work on them with­out our input?